Have you ever looked at your own immage in a mirror for so long that it starts to freak you out. The eyes looking back at you are slightly out of sync with your own thoughts. When I was a kid I would scare myself by doing this, just for shits and giggles.

I went climbing this evening, it was pretty depressing really because I feel like I was not climbing that well at all - it's hard to guage but my technique is pretty shitty at the moment and I'm just not strong enough. Unfortunately with the current job and being out of the house for over 12 hours every day it can be hard to train properly. My number one aim for the next quarter has got fuck all to do with KPI's and targets. All I want to achieve is a job that allows me to spend more time training or at home. At the moment I am only seeing my girlfriend every other night because of work and climbing. It's pointless too because I could do my job in far less time - but that's just not the way things are done. I spend hours each day killing time and waiting for the earliest opportunity to leave without creating a scene.

Not to worry though because on Thursday morning I'm meeting with Dan to take the all day train up to Fort William to climb for 4 days in the snow. Apparently the conditions are looking pretty good and there is a lot of ice around. Fingers crossed.

I like to climb hard in snow and ice. It helps me to forget just how pathetic day to day life really is. I become the real me. Not the lame excuse for a man that I consider myself to be in the city. I like to feel alive, out in the cold when anything could happen. That's where I feel at peace with myself, like I get to be the real me.

And so to bed, I have to endure one more day of the city me and then I'm away. I can barely contain myself for that short time. Goodnight.x

Sunday morning (written on a Friday)

Straight into dreams of violence. Push spike slowly up through cheek and bone, pop and crack as it slides into softer brain. Straining eyes staring up at me, no fear just slow despair.

Awaken, taste of fags and alcohol turned to sour film covering teeth, gums and arched cavern of the top of my mouth. Piss swill mouth can’t be bothered to brush teeth yet. Staring into the mirror with familiar eyes staring back. Climb back into bed and curl up, trying not to rouse the body beside me.

No more dreams.

Slow waking/sensations? Smell pillow, softness and warmth, touch and enjoy. I can smell her hot skin beside me as she sleeps. Would be nice to say that it’s like milk and honey but it’s not really. It's actually just a skin smell, it smells of comfort and her. She feels that I’m awake and pushes up against me with her back and arse, hand reaches back and squeezes the top of my thigh.

Graffiti
Everyone looks at you like you are nothing
Geezer’s dog doing slow shit no expression neither joy or anger just an acceptance of life
Lady men and construction workers

Training always training. Blast and pump of lactic acid soaked legs spinning the pedals, driving the cranks. Feeling disgusted at the other riders who potter about in their own little worlds. Walkmans on listening to some millionaire winging about how unlucky they are in love. Dragging my chin up to the door frame and slowly lowering back down. Not super fit, not the fittest I have been by some way. Fit enough though, fitter than Joe Average sat in front of his TV, brain being pierced by subliminal waves telling him that everything is just fucking great so don’t move a muscle

A revelation of the past. I was another man. I was amongst equals, among better men also. Never the revulsion, never the knowing sense that things have gone badly awry. 11th floor – the view is glass and colonnades. Same shops on every corner every street the same. Lifts standing in a rectangular box, brightly lit and pearly white. Rows of shining lift doors on either side each offering the same desperate destination. Gentle pings as lifts arrive on distant floors mapping out and dictating other peoples lives, so many numbers but without choice. You go where they decide not the other way around kido. A lift deigns to appear and as the doors slide open the bubble bursts and your life disappears. None of this is new, this is something that people have recognised for a while I guess, maybe even longer than I would give credit for. I mean essentially we are talking about simply not being happy or at ease with your lot in life.

Urban Golf – What the fuck???????????

x4 Zoom magnification
Destruction of bloke in bogs
Police

Ulcers forming on gum in front of bottom right incisor. Investigating it with my tongue.

Cordite
An intro to my character

Club, already drinking and eyes are tired but can probably survive the night, if I try not to think about it too much, if I just go with the flow. Strobing lights, no smoking now, none of the atmosphere, just harsh white light. Mingling smells of stale beer, fresh sweat and farts as all comers try to drink enough to hit that potent buzz point where they can just dance the night away in euphoria until it’s kicking out time.

I’m struggling now, drank too much beer before switching to shots to keep me going through the dancing. Stomach feels heavy and bloated but I suck the frothy piss from the bottle that’s placed in my hand, I like the way there’s a lime stuck in the top, it makes me feel nostalgic for time spent with better friends in places that we shall not go to now.

I leave the half drunk bottle on the floor and go for water and tequila. Feel better already, start dancing again. I have a second shot and now I’m really there, dancing with one of her friends, just mucking around, normally wouldn’t even talk to her that much but the drink’s making us best mates.

There’s some piss head to the right with his chick. Both of them swaying about. Holding hands and spinning around then both trying to turn in opposite directions like kids in a playground, laughing at each other’s faces and attempting to sing along to the song. I move away from them and see Lu with the others dancing in a group, she laughs at me and I move to join her, forgetting the mate for a moment. I see Lu’s face drop as she looks over my shoulder. I turn and see her mate getting a mouth full from the piss head’s bird. Most people continue bouncing along to the music but these two are in their own little world and I push over to find out what’s happening. I can’t make out what has gone wrong but as I arrive Lu’s mate gives it “fuck off” and turns to walk away. As she slides past me I give the piss heads girl a look. She’s short and dull looking and not exactly someone you would expect to kick off in a club. Her dark eyes are ringed with red like she is about to cry and I can feel the anger coming off her in waves. Jesus, whatever happened has got her well and truly riled.

I look away and feel her come at me.

She’s screaming and trying to get to my face. I laugh and draw away as she snatches at the collar of my t-shirt ripping it. Suddenly she lets go and reaches past me to Lu who’s also screaming. She get’s Lu’s hair and drags her down and forward.

Interlude, so what the fuck? What do you do? If it’s a lad then there’s no question but a girl…… Smash her face off? Not a chance.

I move to grab the girls arms along with another bloke. My nails bite into her arms as I search for the pressure point and try to push my fingers through her tendons feeling emasculated at my inability to protect my own. You horrible bitch, I want to destroy you for causing her to feel pain. Who the hell is this vile woman who can invade my night and hurt what is my own?

We drag her off Lu who’s in pieces and it’s a doorman who pulls the girl away. I hold Lu's shuddering body and stroke her hair I whisper sweet nothings. As I do so I search the floor for piss head desperate to vent my hatred on him. Fortunately he has disappeared, escaping from me and his Psychotic girlfriend. I’ll give you dreams of violence.